""So what the deal, my nigga, I know you holdin’ it down
If you could see me you would say I’m talkin’ soft
right now
But it’s hard for me to see when I’mma see you again
And I know it’s fucked up, I gotta talk through this
pen"
4/30/99 - Leave no regrets. No one close to me has ever died before. In eighth grade, my chacha came to us dying of Hepatitis, but I didn’t know him at all. Just that he was my father’s brother. But I had to watch him deteriorate, but harder than that I had to watch my mother cope on her own, with me, my brother’s seizures beginning at tams and my dying uncle. How did she do it? I still don’t know. Because she’s Ammu, that’s the only real reason.
In 11th grade, nana died but it was half way across the world, and my contact with him consisted of three months every three years. Once again, I only knew the suffering of loss through my mother. My father lost his father and his immediate younger brother in the war. He has never spoken about it at all, in my eighteen years. Only once or twice has he mentioned them in passing. In a curious way I wondered how he felt, what it was like to lose someone. I think I know now. Sort of.
Me and Jay were tight in school, we had a connection that I didn’t have with anyone else. We were strictly school friends for a long time, but we bonded. He was a little on the crazy side for me in terms of having fun, and then I moved to Plano. So seeing each other outside of school became difficult. No regrets? Yeah right, I wanted to call him when I called Jason and Binoj over Christmas break. But why didn’t I?
I still don’t know.
"We had the same ideas, but not the same careers
We shared the same old laughs, and now the same tears"
Everything seems hollow, empty, there’s a sick distance between me and what happened. It’s a tragedy in the broad human and in the personal senses, but how does effect me? I cant let it not affect me. Nothing really changed, I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since august, and now it will be never right? I was so determined to hook up this summer, be buds again, laugh at the freaks, talk music, man he was so cool.
"You were my homie, my sconey, my Roni
My nigga, and never placed no bitch before me
Man, I sear to God I love you for that shit
Why’d you have to get hit
Where was I, what time was it"
We understood each other, he really reached out to me, the first time that’s really ever happened in a friendship. I cant let it not affect me. I have to take something from this. I was never able to talk to him, to maybe even see his wounds, even if I couldn’t heal them. But the funny thing is, its not that surprising. Shocking yes, but after the news you could see why without any real effort. Jay had incredible gifts, smart talented, he could wail like nobody’s business on the guitar. He decided to leave, and in turn I must decide to carry on for him, with him.
"You were supposed to get older with me
On stage, hands on shoulders with me
Coppin’ them Range Rovers with me
Sittin’ on thangs and smokin’ trees"
I cant waste my gifts, not after this. Jay wouldn’t accept it, he was the kind of guy who knew what was best for others, but not himself. He decided to leave because he couldn’t find a way out of wasting his gifts. I think. I cant ever know for sure. But regardless, we are all the worse off for his decision. Tortured genius? Possibly. Lost very talented lower middle class suburban soul. No doubt.
"And if it wasn’t for the will that God had made
I’d turn back the hands of time and take your place"
Jay, I cant say I knew you all that well, but I know I felt a bond with you that was unique, you were the coolest person to chill with at Smith. For me at least. All those haters and shit. You loved to have fun and you loved to party, but I guess it got to you. Did you feel unimportant, lost, a failure? Could I have helped? Who knows, but you’re not forgotten, and you were important, and I cant stand that I didn’t call you, but if you’re there, anywhere, now, I love you bro. But I’m going to go on just like I did at graduation only this time, you’re going with me. I’m gonna make our lives great, you’ll be proud, I’ll stay real and whatever disappointments and sadness that you felt, whatever drove you to take your own life, you can forget now. Cuz I have, and from here on out its just you and me and the world. I’ll make sure to leave no regrets.
"Even when you’re gone you will always be my nigga
When you went home I’m still missin’ you, my nigga
I’m feelin’ like the timing was wrong, my nigga
I know you’re smilin’ down sayin’ carry on, my nigga"
5/1/99 - I still cant believe I never called. Is it fair for me to begin enjoying my life again? Is it fair for me to grieve? Did I know him that well? What does he think? What do you think Jay? You’d probably want me to enjoy life right. You were never one to stand in the way of anyone else, and you never liked when someone stood in yours, I guess in that way this is the ultimate declaration of personal freedom. Taking into your own hands your fate.
"Some times my nights can get long, my nigga
Some times I feel God did me wrong, my nigga
So I had to write a song, my nigga
Just to let you know that you’re still my nigga"
After a night of melancholy and confusion, and a day of pretending nothing was wrong, I’m gonna remember you for all that you were, and our good times. For some reason I keep expecting that when I go back, none of this will turn out to be true, but that’s just what distance does I guess. But distance is what made this so hard for me in the first place. Not being there, but most importantly not even trying to get in touch. I just, I just want you to know I always kept you in my mind, and now you’ll always be in my heart.
"It’s so easy for folks to say, "Rob, just live on"
When I’m dyin’ every second that you’re gone
Nevertheless I try my best to be strong
Hopin’ you said your prayers before you went on home"
RYDE OR DIE. I know you chose the latter, and I have to respect, but I’m choosing to ryde, for the both of us, I want to let you know I didn’t forget you then, I won’t now. And I’m just one of the many boys who is gonna miss the hell out of you. Remember our A-day lunch crew? Shit, it was us and the world in front of us man. God and I was so determined to call you this summer when I got back.
"When we stood on these blocks and just shot the breeze
We’d slapbox dead in the middle of streets
And if a fight broke out, you would take up for me
Now all I have left of these ghetto memories"
What the fuck. I want to be angry at you, but that’s selfish. You did what you thought you had to, so I’m gonna go past all the regrets and bullshit emotions and just remember you, and try to live my life the best way possible to show the world that your life and death wasn’t in vain. I think that’s the way you would’ve wanted it, and I’m gonna remember you as the only guy I could talk to about classic rock and hip-hop within the same sentence. And our connection as a couple of brown boys who understood and felt each other.
Flesh of my flesh blood of my blood….. I was never able to spend time with you outside of school like the other guys, and that’s really my biggest regret. I never got close to you like I always knew I should’ve. So I’m just writing all this down, to get all my feelings out and to let you know how I plan to go out with you by my side no matter what. I’ll never listen to Van Halen or Prince the same way again.