""So what the deal, my nigga, I know you holdin’ it down
If you could see me you would say I’m talkin’ soft
right now
But it’s hard for me to see when I’mma see you again
And I know it’s fucked up, I gotta talk through this
pen"
4/30/99 - Leave no regrets. No one close to me has ever died before. In eighth grade, my chacha came to us dying of Hepatitis, but I didn’t know him at all. Just that he was my father’s brother. But I had to watch him deteriorate, but harder than that I had to watch my mother cope on her own, with me, my brother’s seizures beginning at tams and my dying uncle. How did she do it? I still don’t know. Because she’s Ammu, that’s the only real reason.
In 11th grade, nana died but it was half way across the world, and my contact with him consisted of three months every three years. Once again, I only knew the suffering of loss through my mother. My father lost his father and his immediate younger brother in the war. He has never spoken about it at all, in my eighteen years. Only once or twice has he mentioned them in passing. In a curious way I wondered how he felt, what it was like to lose someone. I think I know now. Sort of.
Me and Jay were tight in school, we had a connection that I didn’t have with anyone else. We were strictly school friends for a long time, but we bonded. He was a little on the crazy side for me in terms of having fun, and then I moved to Plano. So seeing each other outside of school became difficult. No regrets? Yeah right, I wanted to call him when I called Jason and Binoj over Christmas break. But why didn’t I?
I still don’t know.
"We had the same ideas, but not the same careers
We shared the same old laughs, and now the same tears"
Everything seems hollow, empty, there’s a sick distance between me and what happened. It’s a tragedy in the broad human and in the personal senses, but how does effect me? I cant let it not affect me. Nothing really changed, I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since august, and now it will be never right? I was so determined to hook up this summer, be buds again, laugh at the freaks, talk music, man he was so cool.
"You were my homie, my sconey, my Roni
My nigga, and never placed no bitch before me
Man, I sear to God I love you for that shit
Why’d you have to get hit
Where was I, what time was it"
We understood each other, he really reached out to me, the first time that’s really ever happened in a friendship. I cant let it not affect me. I have to take something from this. I was never able to talk to him, to maybe even see his wounds, even if I couldn’t heal them. But the funny thing is, its not that surprising. Shocking yes, but after the news you could see why without any real effort. Jay had incredible gifts, smart talented, he could wail like nobody’s business on the guitar. He decided to leave, and in turn I must decide to carry on for him, with him.
"You were supposed to get older with me
On stage, hands on shoulders with me
Coppin’ them Range Rovers with me
Sittin’ on thangs and smokin’ trees"
I cant waste my gifts, not after this. Jay wouldn’t accept it, he was the kind of guy who knew what was best for others, but not himself. He decided to leave because he couldn’t find a way out of wasting his gifts. I think. I cant ever know for sure. But regardless, we are all the worse off for his decision. Tortured genius? Possibly. Lost very talented lower middle class suburban soul. No doubt.
"And if it wasn’t for the will that God had made
I’d turn back the hands of time and take your place"
Jay, I cant say I knew you all that well, but I know I felt a bond with you that was unique, you were the coolest person to chill with at Smith. For me at least. All those haters and shit. You loved to have fun and you loved to party, but I guess it got to you. Did you feel unimportant, lost, a failure? Could I have helped? Who knows, but you’re not forgotten, and you were important, and I cant stand that I didn’t call you, but if you’re there, anywhere, now, I love you bro. But I’m going to go on just like I did at graduation only this time, you’re going with me. I’m gonna make our lives great, you’ll be proud, I’ll stay real and whatever disappointments and sadness that you felt, whatever drove you to take your own life, you can forget now. Cuz I have, and from here on out its just you and me and the world. I’ll make sure to leave no regrets.
"Even when you’re gone you will always be my nigga
When you went home I’m still missin’ you, my nigga
I’m feelin’ like the timing was wrong, my nigga
I know you’re smilin’ down sayin’ carry on, my nigga"
5/1/99 - I still cant believe I never called. Is it fair for me to begin enjoying my life again? Is it fair for me to grieve? Did I know him that well? What does he think? What do you think Jay? You’d probably want me to enjoy life right. You were never one to stand in the way of anyone else, and you never liked when someone stood in yours, I guess in that way this is the ultimate declaration of personal freedom. Taking into your own hands your fate.
"Some times my nights can get long, my nigga
Some times I feel God did me wrong, my nigga
So I had to write a song, my nigga
Just to let you know that you’re still my nigga"
After a night of melancholy and confusion, and a day of pretending nothing was wrong, I’m gonna remember you for all that you were, and our good times. For some reason I keep expecting that when I go back, none of this will turn out to be true, but that’s just what distance does I guess. But distance is what made this so hard for me in the first place. Not being there, but most importantly not even trying to get in touch. I just, I just want you to know I always kept you in my mind, and now you’ll always be in my heart.
"It’s so easy for folks to say, "Rob, just live on"
When I’m dyin’ every second that you’re gone
Nevertheless I try my best to be strong
Hopin’ you said your prayers before you went on home"
RYDE OR DIE. I know you chose the latter, and I have to respect, but I’m choosing to ryde, for the both of us, I want to let you know I didn’t forget you then, I won’t now. And I’m just one of the many boys who is gonna miss the hell out of you. Remember our A-day lunch crew? Shit, it was us and the world in front of us man. God and I was so determined to call you this summer when I got back.
"When we stood on these blocks and just shot the breeze
We’d slapbox dead in the middle of streets
And if a fight broke out, you would take up for me
Now all I have left of these ghetto memories"
What the fuck. I want to be angry at you, but that’s selfish. You did what you thought you had to, so I’m gonna go past all the regrets and bullshit emotions and just remember you, and try to live my life the best way possible to show the world that your life and death wasn’t in vain. I think that’s the way you would’ve wanted it, and I’m gonna remember you as the only guy I could talk to about classic rock and hip-hop within the same sentence. And our connection as a couple of brown boys who understood and felt each other.
Flesh of my flesh blood of my blood….. I was never able to spend time with you outside of school like the other guys, and that’s really my biggest regret. I never got close to you like I always knew I should’ve. So I’m just writing all this down, to get all my feelings out and to let you know how I plan to go out with you by my side no matter what. I’ll never listen to Van Halen or Prince the same way again.
As you can see I did away with that silly calendar and add the Spins, Flicks and Words section. To move away from the pure blogness of the site (as my original intent and as requested by G) I will start reviewing more regularly. The new sidebar includes a list of movies, music and books that I will offer my self-important opinions on. Hopefully I will establish a semi-regular schedule for writing reviews and updating the list.
Note: The list will not always be current things simply because I can't always keep up and also most current things don't interest me. I'll try to mix in older things that I feel no one should go on with out experiencing.
Three more days....
Addendum to the Eminem review: For two very well-written views on Eminem's artistic merit check out these two articles on Salon.com Why Eminem deserves a Grammy and Why critics shouldn't overlook his lyrical content
Only four more days of class left....
So in my attempt to kill time between thesis sessions I wrote some music reviews of my favorite songs. I used to review music for my high school newspaper, so this my sad attempt at trying to recapture my youth
This also my first high post.
“Kim” by Eminem, from the Marshall Mathers LP:
The prequel to Slim’s wife murder fantasy “’99 Bonnie and Clyde”, “Kim” is a glorious and passionate chronicle of a man caught on the brink between love and madness. But where “’99 Bonnie and Clyde” was calm and understated, and addressed to Em’s daughter Hallie about why there was no more Mommy, “Kim” imagines the chaotic moments leading up to the murder. Almost all of the elements of the song mirror the explosive inner conflict between anger and sadness that a breakup causes. The song begins much like Bonnie with Slim baby-talking to his daughter, but then Em jarringly starts to scream at Kim. Pay attention. This is not your typical wife-murder fantasy hip-hop song.
The production is a finely layered mix of elements that suit the song perfectly. An elegant piano loop backs the main melody which is fluid, almost sweetly melancholic, while the hook deftly sums up the main conflict of the song, “So long/ Bitch you did me so wrong/I don’t want to go on/Living in this world without you.” All this is contrasted with and propelled by a maniacal bass line that pounds mercilessly as Em screams a deranged stream-of-consciousness rap. The effect is riveting as we realize that behind the intense anger there is a strong undercurrent of sadness, love and utter desperation. Em’s verses at first listen are just random and noisy, but true to form, they are actually constructed thoughtfully and rhymed with care. “Kim” didn’t do much to endear Slim to feminists and all of his other detractors, but it is an enduring testament to the dark powers of Eminem’s artistry.
Side note: To all my homeboys, you know that feeling right after you break up with your girl? That mixture of anger and despair (to quote another Em song, “Rock Bottom”: “Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear ”). Well listen to this song. It’s cathartic; it will cleanse you. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO LOVE ME! NOW BLEED BITCH BLEEEEED!!!!”
Side side note: Shlep does not ever condone the use violence against women. When he says riveting he does not mean empathetic. “Kim” forces you to feel what Em is feeling, but never really to sympathize with him. Let the record also show that Em himself has never been accused of hitting a female, only pistol whipping the guy that kissed Kim, but that’s another story.
As much as I love watching the Blazers (they're so emotionally volatile, its like watching someone open a Coke can thats been severely shaken up), and as much as I doubt the Mavs ability to play tough in the paint against the Spurs, Kings or Lakers, I still gotta give it up to my boys.
So I'm still working on revising my thesis and reflecting on all the different kinds of reactions I got whenever I told people I was writing a thesis. From sympathy to pity to why-the-hell-would-you-put-yourself-through-such-an-ordeal, I got it all. Even more entertaining was people's reactions when I told them the subject: International Labor Rights and Corporate Responsibility. Most of the time it was, "oooh sounds complicated", and of course I smile sheepishly and say not really. After five years in Plan II, I've more or less perfected the art of sounding smarter than I really am.
But on the real, my thesis is pretty interesting. I just wish I didnt have to write it in my last semester after five years because the desire to live it up during my last few college months overrode the desire to give the subject its due treatment. As a business and liberal arts student the "social responsibility vs. profit issue" has always loomed large for me. This thesis gave me a chance to really sink my teeth into it and as much as I whine and complained this semester, I genuinely enjoyed the opportunity. Thanks Plan II, I just wish I had given myself more time to do research more throroughly and write a really comprehensive thesis.
The legal aspect of holding US companies liable for being complicit in human rights violations I think is the most important issue I had to address. The Unocal decision last September I think will go a long way to prevent unscrupulous companies from benefitting from violations of fundamental human rights. It also disheartening to see the state departments position on the Exxon case. This kind of blatant disregard for human rights makes me truly ashamed of the government.
On a lighter note...GO MAVS!! 2-0!!
So yes, the other day I was watching MTV, when all of a sudden an old Nike commercial came on. Before five seconds had passed, I was 10 years old again. Mars Blackmon (played by Spike Lee) and Michael Jordan joining forces one more time to sell shoes. Mars was one of my heroes growing up. A little Bangla boy like me had no hope of reaching Jordan's status, but Mars, with his oversized clothing, big glasses and endearing superfanatic attitude, got to HANG OUT with Michael, and he didnt even have to bust his ass on the court. I was sucked into the mega-marketing machine, but I dont think I mind even now. Mars gave me an avenue to relate to the superhuman athletes I watched on TV. So while I never did buy a pair of overpriced Jordan's, all of a sudden commercial watching became a necessary past-time to sports watching.
We didnt know it at the time, but as pre-teens who were coming of age during Michael Jordan's ascendancy, we were witnessing a revolution in sports marketing. On the court, Jordan was on the cusp of moving from really really good to demi-god status. Off of it, the global Jordan brand was also about to hit the stratosphere. Sure, athletes had always endorsed products and clever athlete commercials go back to the '60s and '70s. But with Michael Jordan and Nike, the athlete shoe commercial became a fixture in pop culture. Jordan's mix of athletic accomplishment, charisma and crossover appeal turned him from the best basketball player ever to one of the most recognized humans on the planet. Nowadays, we expect shoe and sports drink commercials to wow us, but back then no one really saw it coming.
So, big ups to Nike for this wonderful piece of nostalgia, I may or may not buy Nike's now but hey...I love the commercials.
Found out last night that my thesis is due April 30. I've been lax as hell about it and I dont want to give my wonderful adviser, Professor Kate Mackie who has given me waaaay too much latitude thus far, any grief. So that means that April 29, I have my final presentation for Accounting. And on the 30th, I have two tests and the bound copy of "the culmination" of my five years is due. Yippee.
On a happy note...I'm ecstatic to see the return of Mars Blackmon...more on this later
So finally, after much pain and anguish, sheelpi.com is up and running. Thanks to Ram and Keyur for making it happen. Over the course of the last few weeks I've been writing my thesis for Plan II which of all us pseudo-intellectual nerds have to do before we graduate. I found that writing my own stuff was a good break from the thesis writing, so I will be posting all of that as time goes on. Until next time homies and homettes....Peace out.