January 26, 2005
A midnight summer's dream II
So I could've done this a couple of ways. I could've been really robotic and matter of fact about it. Announce the who, what, when, where and how of it all. (Shahmeen Khan and Sheelpi Kalam, March 19, Long Island, NY). I could've gone all emo on your ass, and poured out my maudlin heart until the words gushed with mid-teen sentimentality.
So why did I go with the silly Syracuse story? I wanted to remember for myself how it all started really. It's been such a whirlwind seven months, maybe I wanted to remind myself how I got here and why it's all so important to me. Maybe I wanted to see how I remembered things now, through a prism of love, hope and happiness. It wasn't actually as rosy as I like to remember, as soon as I got back to Houston there were doubts and fears and the this-is-it feeling became a is-this-it? There were weeks when the I-know feeling became a maybe-I-don't know feeling which became I-think-I-know-but-do-I-trust-myself? There were whispers of what-ifs and even who-ifs. Revelations and ties re-tied and then re-severed. But the essence of that first meeting in Syracuse never left me, it was once-in-a-lifetime, it was completion and happiness and it was real to both of us, and that's the way I'm going to remember it, and I'm not going to let anything that came before or after color it differently.
****
So get to the point. The point is this, the actualization of what I knew the second that pink blur hit me seven months ago is taking place this March 19 in Long Island, New York. What has been real to both of Tui and I for awhile will soon become a social reality. Her parents are holding an engagement ceremony to be coupled with a legal marriage so that no matter how hard we try we won't be able to live in sin in San Diego. The big, fat Bangladeshi wedding will come later, but in the eyes of God and Nassau county your boy will be legally wed to one Shahmeen Khan. For seven months I have felt that our connection, our instant bond makes it seem like I've been living in a dream world. That its too surreal, I can't believe something this wonderful is happening and happening so quickly. Well all those excuses will soon be thrown out the window. Because it's about to be real, so real, it'll be official. Stamped and signed. And I figured my happiness can no longer be contained, nor should it, I'm letting the pizzle's world in on my not so little secret. Wish me luck denizens, for this is an adventure the likes of which the shlep dogg has never imagined. Exploring NYC's Chinatown alone? peanuts. Hiking in the in Malaysian jungle? paltry compared to this. But I know I'm up for it, bring it on as the kids say, bring it on....
January 21, 2005
A midnight summer's dream
The six month rotation in Houston was almost up. I loved the people I worked with. I liked Houston, it was far enough from Austin and Dallas to be able to be on my own, close enough to visit whenever I liked. I even enjoyed the me time post-Memorial Day, when I made up my mind to stop thinking about the nature of my relationships with other people, about my emotional dependency on those people, and to start consciously, with pure focus, thinking about me. But then, there was this girl....
But there was no staying with Cardinal, and for that matter Houston, after six months. I'd have to leave. Before that occurred, I was to go on an assessment with one of the consultants. Wes had thus been designated. I kept putting it off, finally I let him know, hey can I come with you sometime. Sure, I'm going to Jackson Memorial in Miami and Watertown NY. I don't think we're taking you to Miami though ha ha. very funny. But....
There was this girl. For a while, Russ was my girlfriend. I'm not gonna lie, nothing brings two guys closer than simultaneous break-ups and girl drama. One day, he says, hey fuck it, here's her screen name, talk to her. talk to who? Tui. who? Bush's cousin. okay. I didn't think about it, I was in that place, no thinking about others, just me. so I said hello. crazy, I'm staring at my monitor, fingers typing, she's doing the same, but....it felt right. It's so hard to define the nature of Instant messaging, but somewhere along the way, and maybe I'm weird and it's just me, but, you can tell. Conversations have their flow and their moments, it takes a different form, but you can tell, when someone is being dismissive. You can tell when something becomes awkward, and you can tell when you feel comfortable talking to someone. I can't explain, and I fear if I try too hard I'll be branded some sort of anti-social cyber nerd relying on online conversations to fulfill him. But it is what it is. Though we had never met, never talked on the phone, I felt a connection, and I knew she felt it too. Thanks Russ.
So Watertown? hmm, maybe's its somewhere near Syracuse. She had been there for awhile on training, I knew, its why she hadn't really been online that much lately, because you know, in my non-chalant way, I had noticed, but I hadn't missed. Which is good, I think that would've proved my dependency all over again, if I had missed talking online after only a couple of weeks. It was still me-time, and to think of it, I was doing well. Hooking up with old friends, Getting closer with the fam, etc, etc. I was in a good place, not lonely but getting ready to show the next one who I really am, and not make the same mistakes I'd made before, I was getting to know me, and now whoever came next would have a much easier time with me. I was in a good place, not desperate, but confident. Was it good enough to ask for her number and call? Like Russ-Cyrano had suggested? Not yet.
So I asked Cyrano, where's Watertown? BFE dude. Is it near Syracuse? I think so. I think Tui's supposed to be there. you guys should meet up. I think so too. So I asked her (she's back online, earlier I tried to explain and defend online messaging as a genuine form of interaction, but I will admit this, it's much easier to build up the nerve to take that all-important 'next step' while typing than it is in person). Yeah, Watertown's like 10 minutes from Syracuse(it's really more like an hour, good one Tui). I'm going there. Hey, we should meet up. Yeah, whats' your number...
cue "Solsbury Hill" by Peter Gabriel
Was I nervous? Hell yeah. Russ on the phone: So you guys are digging each other huh? yeah, its weird. She wants to meet you. I know, I do too. In my head: But where could this go really. I'm moving to San Diego ( this had happened while talking to her, in fact she was one of the first people I told, strange, I was excited to move for the first time without leaving someone behind, but it was as if I was looking for that someone still, ) She's all the way in Albany, NY. Stop looking ahead and just meet her jackass. Okay, so I called my brother, dude, I'm a little nervous, don't be, she'll make you feel comfortable right away. Okay. Trust me, it'll be fine.
Syracuse seemed like an okay place. Like if it wasn't summer time, it would be a cool college town to hang in. It was a pretty summer day though, rollin' around in my rented Alero. The Marx hotel was pretty easy to find, the only completely circular high-rise downtown. Before I left I joked to myself, "hey time to go meet my future wife" ha ha, good one shlep, take it slow this time (I tried, honest, I did, but I had no idea....)
Of course trying to occupy myself in downtown Syracuse on a summer Sunday afternoon while waiting for what seemed like forever for her to arrive didnt exactly lend itself to "take it slowly and see how it goes," I had waaaaay too much time to think. I tried walking. walked like, 5-6 blocks in each direction from the hotel. I tried reading, except I had just spent 4 hours reading on the plane. I tried waiting in the hotel lobby, but the eastern european looking guy behind the counter was giving me the creeps. Damn. Talk about icing the kicker. By the time she called, I was wound tighter than a cheetah waiting to pounce. Hey I'm parked out by the fountain. Fountain? Yeah the fountain. umm okay. Hey, where are you? I'm in the lobby, okay, I'm by the fountain. Fountain? okay I'm coming to the lobby. okay.
cue "Wild Honey" by U2
I'm walking across the street, more quickly than I realize, in my light blue t-shirt, the one with the felt afro figures, in my brown sandals, which I had bought for my brother's wedding, I remember glancing at my reflection in the window, straighten your back dude, what is that glint in my eye? apprehension? confidence? an I-know-something-you-dont-know-glint? wait, what?...I'm approaching the door, but it opens first. There's a blur of pink. An embrace. Oh, you're so tall...
****
Drink up, baby, stay up all night
the things you could do,
you won't but you might
the potential you'll be
that you'll never see
the promises you'll only make
drink up with me now and forget all about
the pressure of days
do what i say
and i'll make you okay and drive them away
the images stuck in your head
people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still
drink up, baby, look at the stars,
i'll kiss you again
between the bars
where i'm seeing you
there with your hands in the air
waiting to finally be caught
drink up one more time and i'll make you mine
keep you apart deep in my heart separate from the rest
where i like you the best
and keep the things you forgot
the people you've been before that you don't want around anymore
that push and shove and won't bend to your will
i'll keep them still
--"Between the Bars" by Elliott Smith